So many times I got angry at my
destiny
So many times I clung to my wishes
that I never spoke of anything else.
Thousands of times I claimed my
fate for the worse that happened.
I am amazed to see my diverse
feelings at various stages of life.
I got distanced with God for couple
of months in 2019. Leaving prayers, disbelieving in Dua, not following rules or
ethics of religion. I had so much anger that I left the path that my ancestors
have taken for centuries. I wanted not be one by choice. Then I observed in me
unacceptable behaviors like rudeness, harshness, disobeydance, anger and many mixed
feelings that made me away from the soul and the creature of that soul.
I was never the person that I had
become at that time. I blamed everything on others and told myself that I am
the victim, had survived from worse. I wished that if God would have listened
my wishes and duas then present would not have been so much difficult.
Then suddenly a time came when it
truly happened, my biggest wish happened to come true. I was flying in the sky.
I slowly returned to my regular prayers, again believing in duas, obeying the
rules (some). This was normal for me because I thought things are always
predestined.
I wonder why we human beings blame
everything to God and destiny and let themselves free?
Well a few months later after my
wish came true, I witnessed a kind of proud in my behavior. I was surprised, I
was not that one, and I never wanted to be. This was the time when I
consciously thought of my intensions. I started concentrating on my intensions
that were they fine or they are evil.
Then again I concentrated on my
prayer and meditations, with a strong belief that I would be changed, I would
be again humble and down to earth. That was achievable and I did.
But in near past something worst
happened, and this time my feelings are changed. I have started spending more
time in prayers and meditations, this helped me to find out myself. The journey
through which many people travel, has to be traveled by me too. I believe that,
God is beside me, no matter if even my parents and family members do not know
about it. There I take a sigh of relief and my conscience is relaxed that
whatever happened to me is because of me, no any external force is blamable
here.
We human beings are very
contradictory in nature, we love to be successful and that credit is all ours,
but a single failure is always blamed to be God's wish. We get angry at God
when things do not happen according to our will, but we never give credit of
our happiness to God. Something that is good is always human's will, something
that has negative effect is always a curse/trial by God.
These kind of feelings are natural
but we can control them by asking ourselves that where we did mistake that lead
us to the misery? Where we did not give enough efforts that did not lead us to
success? What was the wrong decision that we made in rush that put us in
difficult situation?
These questions can save us from
blaming God or any other external force.
God never wants his humans to
suffer, he loves 70 times more than a mother, then how come a mother can want
her children to suffer?
This is what I have understood and
that have made me consciously aware of the decisions that were wrong, that miss-guided
me, that rose disturbance and restlessness.
I believe, humans get what they do
or give efforts for. God never is the source of hurdles, He might think better
for us but not less.
I am full of repentance, I am full
of hopes too. Many a times human needs to fall to see what their original place
was, where they came from, what their value was then and how they have come to
achieve whatever they have now. This kind of practice will always make them
grateful, they will never curse their destiny.
Few bad experiences teach the most,
and that is why I feel those bad experiences made me close to God. I feel He is
listening to my cry’s, I feel He is surely with me every single second, I feel
He is looking after me when no-one knows what I am feeling or suffering from, I
feel comfortable in the most uncomfortable feelings of despair.
My trust in God is making my bond
strongest with HIM. I feel the blessings are up on me and on every human, we must
be grateful for that.
